This is our first post since November 26th, 2014 and many of you have been asking…
“Where the freaking hell have these guys gone?”
Well, we are now able to answer that question. We just hope you are sitting down.
Remember that UFO sighting over the Statue of Liberty in December last year? We do, and we can tell you it was a damn sight more than a sighting. In the middle of compiling a dossier on Michael Jackson’s latest known whereabouts, we were suddenly surrounded by an intense light. There followed a brief, intense feeling of being in millions of places at the same time, then…nothing but blackness.
Screenshot of youtube video posted by Scott Kensington and wife. Yes, they saw what happened to us!
Next we knew, we were sitting in the most comfortable armchairs imaginable. Interplanetary La-Z-Boy recliners, if you will. Our hosts appeared as floating balls of pure energy, brilliant against the darkness. Their voices bypassed our senses and arrived directly in our minds — in English, funnily enough. The leader, whose name apparently translated as Philip, told us that we were guests on their ship and would be well treated. He refused to answer any questions as to his identity or that of our destination. However, he did apologize for the tablets we were to be given in place of food and water. The journey was to take four Earth days with no human toilet facilities on board, so it sounded more than fair.
Naturally, one question was running through our heads over and over again. What did these clearly advanced aliens want with us? Had we been specifically targeted or was this just a random abduction? Were we being looked after because they valued us or was it just easier to insert the probe if we were relaxed? We were literally in the dark for those four days, with only each other for company and not even basic internet. It was a worrying time.
As it turned out we needn’t have worried — our butt cherries were to remain intact. As soon as we arrived, Philip spoke an alien command and what we assumed was a black wall suddenly dissolved and became a giant panoramic window. Instantly we knew where we had been taken because we had been studying pictures of that red landscape for years. It was Mars!
According to Philip, the Martians were pissed at the arrival of the Curiosity Rover and wanted to hit back at those responsible. Their plan was to create geological features that would be very difficult to explain. Our job, as experienced Truthers, was to come up with the ideas and then supervise the manufacture.
So that is where we have been these past few months!
Our first success was the ‘little green man’, and we grew from there. There were many other achievements, but we are especially proud of the ‘facehugger’, the ‘pyramid’ and, of course, how can we miss our masterpiece, the ‘floating spoon’.
Oh boy, now that we look back at these photos. They really do look awesome!
In fact, when spies back on Earth told our hosts of our success they didn’t want to let us leave. But we had to go. It was a great honour to be chosen, but several months living off nutrition tablets had taken its toll. We were really missing pizza, beer and broadband. Not to mention the ability to take a satisfying dump. Eventually, we persuaded the Martians that pranking so-called scientists was awesome, but we were needed back on Earth to fight a greater enemy — The Establishment. They agreed to let us return home in exchange for a few more ideas. Keep watching the news for eerie photos resembling Kanye West.
And so, to paraphrase Randy Quaid in Independence Day before he went batshit crazy…
“Hello boys! We’re baaaaaack!!”