Hipsters. The true enemy. Just look at his evil calculating eyes
If you’re like most regular informed readers of this great website of ours you no doubt understand the undeniable scientific fact that the Earth would be a better place without trendy smug hipsters.
We can all agree that no one likes them and they themselves do in fact know this.
Hipsters are educated by Internet ‘how to’ videos and useless University design degrees. So just the same way that they know wearing chequered shirts is cool and gives off a hard working yet casual appearance because they read about it in GQ they also know that beards are rough as fuck and usually worn by smelly bikers, vikings, cave men and of course terrorists. Bad asses in general.
Insider TLP reporter Mark Thomas James an ex hipster himself tells us that the Hipster elite have hired a team of experts such as Seth MacFarlane, Neil deGrasse Tyson and Joseph Goebbels (via time portal…yes – duh, they already have working time machines) to come up with a genius plan to win over peoples opinions of them and their perfectly manicured symbols of Hipsterdom, their beards.
It is understood that Goebbels and MacFarlane came up with the idea that if they could tap into the collective consciousness of all humans and make them stand up and revolt with utter hatred against the untamed prickly beards of regular bad asses (ISIS) then they would use the momentum of hatred and parallel off of the effect and make themselves out to be 1st class citizens with their perfectly trimmed and oiled facial pubes therefore winning over public opinion of themselves.
You have to understand folks, hipsters are driven by one thing and one thing only. They want and need to be idolized by everyone.
Their plan is so far working with millions of people around the world now calling for action against new terror organisation ISIS. The one thing the mainstream media has not thought to question though is ‘who is funding ISIS?’ and ‘who is behind their well produced media and social campaign?’ We can answer that.
Hipsters of course. Who else has enough design degrees in media production and web thingy’s and who else has the time? Lazy bike riding, street corner latte sipping hipsters! That’s who.
Mark Thomas James reports that after following Neil deGrasse Tyson into a Stanford laboratory one afternoon in a full hipster getup disguise he was shocked to find literally dozens of pathetic trendy hipsters huddled around Tyson as he explained the workings of the beard theory in action on the human collective consciousness.
Mark explains how he caught them red handed “I’ve never seen so many of them together in the one place not judging one another and instead being totally attentive to the speaker that isn’t an online video, I knew what was happening must have been important, that’s when Tyson flashed an image of an ISIS terrorist up on the screen and squared his laser pointer right at the beard of one of the terrorists…”
Now if you are wondering why a prized astrophysicist such as Neil deGrasse Tyson would be working for the absolutely cruel and disgusting evil that is Hipsterdom, we have the answer.
Just take a look at the images we were able to uncover below of Tyson back in his University days.
Trendy shaded aviators, check, douchey pretentious mustache, check, vintage tee, check.
Dancing ballroom instead of playing football, check, wearing a trendy vintage star sparkle tee, check.
Excuse us while we throw up in our mouth’s for one minute.
There you have it folks. Neil deGrasse Tyson who we all thought was a simple jive talking academic is in fact the head trendsetting hipster! Caught being a hipster back before he wore regular clothes such as black slacks and jackets.
How do they funnel the money to ISIS?
Follow the money!
Totally untraceable and as the article above states ‘it is anonymous and decentralized’. What do Hipsters love more than non matching vintage yet ironically boring and regular clothing? Technology. Just see for yourself.
Hipsters sure do love Bitcoin… (Image: startupdaily.com.au)
The next time you see a bearded Jihadist you should know that a trendy liberal thick rimmed glasses wearing douche-bag has funded him all in the name of narcissistic self righteous idolization.
In summation; ISIS was fabricated and built by hipsters for hipsters.
Sure terrorists already existed before hipsters, but back then those organisations were created by the reptilian components of the US government. This time a tribe of what are essentially civilian plebs has dug into their pockets and funded the rise of black flag toting evil themselves.
Damn those Hipster bastards to hell!