Take that Cancer!
Cancer sucks and so does BIG Pharma.
Here is a list of the TOP 10 methods that won’t cure your cancer that BIG Pharma doesn’t want you to know about.
Instead they continue to let you try these stupid and ridiculous methods, spending your limited time and money while they search for a cure instead.
Any prayer of any sort is just a complete waste of time.
It’s f*cking stupid!
Group prayer, prayer in the morning, prayer at night, crying while praying, Christian prayer, Islamic prayer. It just doesn’t work because cancer doesn’t have ears and it’s a bastard.
The same goes for chanting or writing letters to Cancer Santa.
Thanks for the heads up BIG Pharma… not!
#2 Baking Soda
Baking Soda is great for baking your granny’s ultimate heart attack inducing cake but thats all.
Online alternative health pundits have been exclaiming for years that the cure to cancer is in your pantry cupboard right next to the vanilla essence. Unfortunately the medicine companies and cancer research institutes just let you go right along and devour spoonfuls of the stuff without telling you its simply just a great way to bake! Scum!
#3 Snake Oil
They have let you scour the Internet for “snake oil” for decades, without once ever officially telling you that “Snake Oil categorically will not cure your cancer, in fact it doesn’t even exist”.
Not only that, but it’s actually extremely hard to buy, so all you end up doing is searching and searching while they sit in their lab coats staring down the barrell of a microscope.
#4 Not Wearing Deodorant
Not wearing deodorant is disgusting.
But all big pharma will have you do is get embarrassed on public transport by way of not telling you to wear deodorant when they know the truth, they know deodorant doesn’t cause cancer.
#5 Email Forwarding
We have all done it.
And they just sat back and let us do it.
Completely wasting our time… and our bandwidth.
You get a sad and crappy email about some kid whos got cancer, all you have to do is forward it to 7 friends and the kids cancer will be cured right? WRONG!
It never happens, miracles never work on email. Some sicko just decided it would be nice to do that and little of well wishing you just happened to want to believe it, all the while the pharmaceutical companies are sending emails to one another about potential new cures.
#6 Smoking Pot
Lets be honest, there is probably real tangible and medically backed serious research going on right now into the effects of weed on cancer, but smoking it and getting blazed has absolutely nothing to do with that. Sure it might make you hungry so you put some weight on, and it might ease the pain, but smoking just gets you high.
So while you sit there high as a kite, you still have cancer because the real cancer cure likely needs to be extracted by some sort of quantum mechanics and injected into the tumour via constant and persistent special dose, they know this and it makes us sick, just sitting there letting you get high and feel awesome. Pathetic.
Magnets are great, for fridges.
Strapping them to your body and expecting them to suck the cancer our is as ridiculous as strapping them to your ass and expecting antigravity to take effect.
Instead of sending you a memo saying “No Jerry, don’t be a dumbass and buy magnets, you should come back for your blood tests instead…” they just continue working their asses off and ignoring you, treating you like the idiot you really are…and they are supposed to be medical professionals, what a joke!
#8 Joining A Cult
Joining scientology might make you look crazy to your friends, but it certainly won’t cure your cancer.
Why they don’t spend any of the money they get from research grants or from the millions in donations they receive annually to run a few radio and TV ads warning you this wont work is beyond belief.
So much money for ads, so little spent.
#9 Magic Water
Magic Water, it comes in many different guises and under many different names.
Silver Colloidal Water, Holy Water, Oxygenated Water, Sugar Water, Salt Water, Magnetic Water, Ionised Water… it’s all just water and water tastes great but it doesn’t kill cancer and they know it.
You sit there guzzling it and pouring it all over your body like the stupid idiot you are and they, the doctors, they just drink plain old tap water… in a non fancy, cheap and reliable glass never even thinking to let you have some of their normal water.
New age hippies love them, teenage girls wear them and psychics slatter their tables with them.
They come in all shapes and sizes and are absolutely positively not going to cure any cancer of any sort in any lifetime and thats EXACTLY what BIG Pharma knows… Oh my God, they would help you save soooo much money if they would just not hide this from you.