Ebola Was Fast Food Research Accident

Can I get a side of ‘End of The World’ with that?

It has long been suspected that mankind had a hand in creating the AIDS epidemic. Some say it was engineered by the CIA to wipe out the world’s homosexuals and African Americans, others that it is actually caused by the very drugs that are supposed to treat the disease.

And now, as if one attempt to wipe out half the human race wasn’t enough, it is very possible that the Ebola virus was not started by fruit bats at all. In fact, new information suggests that it was dingbats in a fast food laboratory. According to a technician at the top secret Columbus University of Nutritional Technology, scientists were trying to reverse engineer the delicious Taco Bell burrito when something went horribly wrong.

“We were trying to recreate that exquisite taste and texture under strict laboratory conditions,” said Dwight Lefou, currently of no fixed abode. “We knew that there could be risk involved and I swear we took all possible precautions. We thought we’d nailed it, but instead we seem to have unleashed hell on earth.”

For obvious reasons, the whistleblower has been met with cries of derision from the scientific community, not least because there’s no proof the U.N.T actually exists. He has been dismissed by many as an unstable alcoholic with an axe to grind which, ironically, was exactly the reason quoted by a previous employer for firing him. However, he remains resolute in his belief that his team accidentally created the Doomsday Virus in their quest for the ultimate snack treat.

“Just think about it,” he frequently tells anyone who will listen. “There are just too many similarities for it to be coincidence. Both Ebola and Burrito come from exotic locations and no one is sure which animals are involved. They both cause high temperature, severe stomach cramps and, in many cases, bleeding from the anus.

“There’s no known cure. In both cases it’s a matter of consuming lots of liquids and hoping for the worst to pass quickly. If you’re lucky there isn’t too much long term damage. And finally, it is when the victim is at the height of their suffering that they are most dangerous to those closest to them. Admittedly, the mortality rate for Ebola is 50-90%, so that makes it a little more fatal than Taco Bell, but the signs are all there.”

When asked the obvious question as to how the virus crossed the considerable distance between Africa and his American lab, Lefou simply took a swig from a brown paper bag, mumbling something about an African vacation taken by one of his superiors who had “a thing for monkeys”.

A dangerous drunk? Or a maverick scientist trying to atone for bringing the human race to the brink of extermination? You decide…