Sure, you probably heard a lot about Indigo children. You know, those kids who were quiet, sensitive, and generally bucked the idea of society had planned for us? Surrounded by indigo aura, they were all the rage…last decade. We’ve found a new, all the more interesting type of child to get excited about (not in that way, pervert).

Yes, the Crystal Child-which is essentially the indigo child, part two- offer us a wealth of new opportunities that the lowly indigo children just didn’t. For one, they’re going to take humanity to it’s next level, which is going to be neat. While they share some superficial traits with the indigo kids, they are not individuals but simply one great consciousness that views the entirety of humanity as one and will prove to be a dramatic force for world peace in the decades to follow. Which is all dandy.

But some of us have been trying to work out why the crystal children have taken over so unequivocally and obviously from their counterparts. How did they develop the ability to communicate as one consciousness? Where did they learn the skills that are primed to help every person in the world reveal an inner power sense of divinity? Well, we think we’ve settled on the answer: twitter.

When the facts are put together, the answer is obvious. Crystal children were estimated to have been born between 1995-2000, with some born further into the twenty-first century. Everyone we’re aware of on twitter is young, so surely this telepathic, communicative field they share has simply manifested itself into a technological form befitting their generational interests? There really seems to be no question that the rise of twitter is tied, in some way, to the birth and growth of the crystal children.

Consider this, too- one of the twenty-three identifying features of a crystal child is it’s large, intense eyes that will fix you with a haunting stare. Does that not sound like every twitter addict you’ve ever known? Picture the expression of your nephew when you dragged his attention away from his phone for a moment- was that not a haunting stare? On a similar token, they are described as being withdrawn, and occasionally uncommunicative-once again, a suspiciously perfect description of the average twitter user. You might want to call all of this a coincidence- but that’s where you’d be wrong.

The post Crystal Children Linked to Twitter appeared first on The Lizard People.

1) Raw breast milk laws. Those bastards are trying to stop you and your babies from sucking on the bare lactating breasts of beautiful mortal females and gorging yourself on the sweet nutritious God given nectar.

2) Government sponsored MIND CONTROL. Yes, these pricks really wants to monitor and control everyone, anyone.

Lucky for you, we’re all over mind control. See below for a free public safety announcement.

This is a unique device that anyone can DIY using electrical conducting material as simple as a piece of foil.

There are six easy steps to follow:

1) Grab a 5 foot sheet of tin foil (preferably heavy duty).

2) Fold 4 times to produce a 1 foot square (shiney side up obviously).

3) Cut a straight line from one corner of the square to the center.

4) Make a cone shape by bending from one side of the cut under the other.

5) Place cone on your head and squash the top and sides so that it fits your head nicely (the tighter the better). Make sure you make a point on the top to increase effectiveness!

6) To ensure that you are protected we recommend securing your Tin Foil Hat ™ by liberally applying holdhouse sticky tape or duct tape.

Now guess what?

Your brainwaves are now safe from “The Man”!

So please help the human race by sharing this with the people you care about (or not…)

The post Simple DIY Device To Protect Yourself From ‘The Man’ appeared first on The Lizard People.

Apple have just released the latest incarnation of their iPhone, regular as clockwork, and very nice it is too. Naturally, the launch was accompanied by the usual media frenzy and early adopter love-in. However, beneath all the hype and moist pants we at TLP believe there lurks a dark secret.

Could it be possible that Apple are trying to achieve global domination by crossing into the world of religion? After all, what better way to brainwash gullible people and have them do your bidding without a moment’s thought? They already have more devout followers than most religions. In fact, with more than 500 million iPhones already in circulation, they’d rank fourth in the World Religion League.

And if you look beyond the brushed aluminium and user-friendly apps, the similarities to organised religion are quite sinister. For a start, Apple has countless acolytes who believe that those who choose the PC path are lost souls, worthy only of scorn. Then there is the promise of a better life for absolutely anyone; providing of course that they are willing to give themselves over to a comprehensive set of terms and conditions.

Oh, and their messiah is a dead guy.

Religions also require followers to ignore the bits that don’t work or make sense. Anyone who dares question the party line tends to be dealt with severely. At the moment, Apple users only tend to be mercilessly trolled on internet forums, but this is just the beginning. It took the other major religions a while to work up to stoning and crucifixion as well.

What is most worrying of all, though, is who EXACTLY might be behind this dastardly scheme. Apple make an absolute fortune hawking their shiny toys, but people would still buy their shit without the messianic undertones. So who else would need the unquestioning loyalty of half the planet? Who would benefit from people doing what they’re told no matter what, because they’re terrified of an imaginary friend?

We believe the answer lies in plain sight, i.e. within the logo itself. When is the first time an apple gets mentioned in a religious context? The Garden of Eden, that’s when. The innocence of mankind gone in a bite of an apple, just like there’s a bite taken out of the Apple logo. And when Adam and Eve tasted of the forbidden fruit, it was a serpent who persuaded them to do so. A reptile.

What other species is reptilian?

Lizards, that’s who.

Think about it.

The post Why Apple Is the New Major Religion? appeared first on The Lizard People.

Google’s July 9 World Cup Doodle seems fun and friendly at first with “aliens” watching from “above”, but thats only to the untrained eyes of regular citizens who prefer to mill around going to their “jobs” and never questioning the seemingly mundane symbols of day to day life, or at least not questioning deep enough.

Is that really a fun Google Doodle or is it an ominous image of something truly sinister?

One only has to use Google’s product the humble secret spy mechanism AKA search engine to uncover how evil and connected to outer worldly powers Google truly is.

For example as mentioned above, the first sign of Google’s evilness is when you type the phrase “Who was Google funded by?” into it’s search engine you will be prompted before even finishing your search and hitting the search button to change the word ‘funded’ to ‘founded’ by Google’s live spell check, even though the word was not spelt incorrectly.

After completing your search you will be prompted yet again by Google’s own search engine feature called “Did you mean:” to search for something slightly less questionable…

Did you mean: who was google founded by?

Hmm, what on Earth could Google possibly be hiding?

Could it be the fact that Google was bankrolled by the CIA, as documented by many highly legitimate online sources and that the CIA were in fact enrolled from the very beginning to act as ET’s local news outpost and communications hub here on Earth!

Of course not! How dare we question mighty Google…

Right?

Wrong!

Google is an evil empire that has been controlled by alien overlords and has been spying on you ever since the very beginning? And what is their Alien motive you ask?

Well what else… is it not blindly obvious as this image tells us, they want to use Earth as a playground, or better yet…a HUNTING GROUND.

We warned you here first folks.

Spread the news.

The post Google Openly Declares Earth as ‘Playground’ for Aliens appeared first on The Lizard People.