This is one for all our history buff believers- you must know about the story of Grigori Rasputin.

Known as the Mad Monk, he was a major part of early twentieth century Russian society, a priest who had a close relationship with the royal family and a libido that was off the charts. Aside from that, he was also said to have magical, sometimes restorative powers. When he eventually met his end via assassination, he had to be poisoned, shot, and drowned before he apparently died. Most skeptics swallow these facts as truth (IDIOTS), referencing the fact that Rasputin’s body was removed from the river several days later, obviously dead. But we’re here to explain to you what really happened that night-and, more importantly, what has happened since.

While many people just blindly assumed that Grigori Rasputin brought it while he was trying to claw his way out from under the ice of a Russian river, we know that he survived that night. Replacing what was assumed to be his body with that of a corpse with an ostentatious beard attached- a series of events that would later form the basis for the hit film Weekend at Bernie’s- he fled revolutionary Russia, sensing the danger that lay there for him, and continued his career fraternising with the upper echelons of the cultural elite. That’s right- we can confirm that Rasputin actually ended up in Hollywood. And he’s been working there ever since.

With his magical powers, Rasputin acted as a consultant for many major horror-related motion pictures during his stay in Los Angeles. Although he’s now retired from the business officially, he occasionally takes on jobs as favours for proteges like Scorsece and Tarantino. While his official involvement on film sets is generally kept hush-hush for fear that the viewing public may be put off by the involvement of a supposedly-dead Russian priest, he is a regular on the LA party circuit.

Evidence of this is limitless- aside from a photo with Grigori and George A. Romero from the set of Night of the Living Dead, which was tweeted in 1967 then quickly removed, he regularly uses pseudonyms to conceal his real identity. The general rule of thumb is that if the person accepting the Academy Award has a big beard, it’s a nod to the fact that Rasputin was behind the bulk of the work.

He is scheduled to begin production of a new movie next spring.

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Apple have just released the latest incarnation of their iPhone, regular as clockwork, and very nice it is too. Naturally, the launch was accompanied by the usual media frenzy and early adopter love-in. However, beneath all the hype and moist pants we at TLP believe there lurks a dark secret.

Could it be possible that Apple are trying to achieve global domination by crossing into the world of religion? After all, what better way to brainwash gullible people and have them do your bidding without a moment’s thought? They already have more devout followers than most religions. In fact, with more than 500 million iPhones already in circulation, they’d rank fourth in the World Religion League.

And if you look beyond the brushed aluminium and user-friendly apps, the similarities to organised religion are quite sinister. For a start, Apple has countless acolytes who believe that those who choose the PC path are lost souls, worthy only of scorn. Then there is the promise of a better life for absolutely anyone; providing of course that they are willing to give themselves over to a comprehensive set of terms and conditions.

Oh, and their messiah is a dead guy.

Religions also require followers to ignore the bits that don’t work or make sense. Anyone who dares question the party line tends to be dealt with severely. At the moment, Apple users only tend to be mercilessly trolled on internet forums, but this is just the beginning. It took the other major religions a while to work up to stoning and crucifixion as well.

What is most worrying of all, though, is who EXACTLY might be behind this dastardly scheme. Apple make an absolute fortune hawking their shiny toys, but people would still buy their shit without the messianic undertones. So who else would need the unquestioning loyalty of half the planet? Who would benefit from people doing what they’re told no matter what, because they’re terrified of an imaginary friend?

We believe the answer lies in plain sight, i.e. within the logo itself. When is the first time an apple gets mentioned in a religious context? The Garden of Eden, that’s when. The innocence of mankind gone in a bite of an apple, just like there’s a bite taken out of the Apple logo. And when Adam and Eve tasted of the forbidden fruit, it was a serpent who persuaded them to do so. A reptile.

What other species is reptilian?

Lizards, that’s who.

Think about it.

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