Wizards (not the cool kind) disguised as homeopaths have recently declared the world as healed.

Methods used? Leuticum (Or Syph) potion of course. Made from the dust of pixie wings and unicorn horns flushed straight down the toilet bowel. Alternatively, sprinkled into the ocean.

TLP was first alerted to this historical global event by Quackometer. A website dedicated to the monotonous task of metering the decibel rating of duck quacks. Or something like that.

See for yourselves the global request and instructions for healing below:

Courtesy of Quackometer.net

A Homeopathic expert we found on Facebook who calls himself Harold The Healer tells TLP he thinks Grace DaSilva-Hill used incorrect amounts of unicorn horns to pixie wing dust because as Harry put it ‘the world is still fucked-up, man’.

TLP investigative reporters have spoken with several key experts on the topic of world peace and they appear to concur with Mr. Healers comments.

“Just look at Ferguson Missouri, Ukraine and death squads like ISIS. Until we can defeat things like war, starvation and Kim Jong-un’s fasination with Nuclear Weapons and African American Basket Ballers, world peace shall not be proclaimed” said an old Nepalese sage we interviewed via carrier pigeon from his home, a dark and cold cave that smells of urine and feces.

Grace DaSilva-Hill, may the peaceful spirit of the albino dolphins carry you and your honorable cause to it’s final destination, for world peace is truly a great human problem that you have attempted to solve.

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…or maybe a better way to put it would be to say watch what doesn’t happen.

Homeopathy for those that don’t know is a way for people to sell magical water and sugar pills to gullible idiots without the 5-0 showing up and busting their ass.

The magical water and sugar pills can apparently cure everything from cancer, tourette’s and even anal warts.

It was invented by a guy called Samuel Hahnemann who also at the time thought that all known diseases are caused by coffee. He later changed his tune.

Homepathic remedies are made by taking herbs and minerals (basically dirt and parsley), adding water, shaking, removing herbs, adding more water, shaking and voila!

Based on this profound knowledge of science and medicine TLP has decided that we will soon be releasing a Homepathic version of Cocaine.

That’s right TLP will be entering the domain previously ruled over by street hustlers and big city drug lords and taking them on with our own concoction that will only cost the coke fiend 72 cents!

The theory is that if we place a $20 note in a bath tub of water, let it sit for 10 minutes the residue of Cocaine and no doubt stripper ass sweat previously left on the note by the fine people of our city will leech into the water as a diluted amount which we will then bottle, shake vigorously and then on sell to junkies and young upstart lawyers that cannot afford regularly priced Cocaine.

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