Wizards (not the cool kind) disguised as homeopaths have recently declared the world as healed.

Methods used? Leuticum (Or Syph) potion of course. Made from the dust of pixie wings and unicorn horns flushed straight down the toilet bowel. Alternatively, sprinkled into the ocean.

TLP was first alerted to this historical global event by Quackometer. A website dedicated to the monotonous task of metering the decibel rating of duck quacks. Or something like that.

See for yourselves the global request and instructions for healing below:

Courtesy of Quackometer.net

A Homeopathic expert we found on Facebook who calls himself Harold The Healer tells TLP he thinks Grace DaSilva-Hill used incorrect amounts of unicorn horns to pixie wing dust because as Harry put it ‘the world is still fucked-up, man’.

TLP investigative reporters have spoken with several key experts on the topic of world peace and they appear to concur with Mr. Healers comments.

“Just look at Ferguson Missouri, Ukraine and death squads like ISIS. Until we can defeat things like war, starvation and Kim Jong-un’s fasination with Nuclear Weapons and African American Basket Ballers, world peace shall not be proclaimed” said an old Nepalese sage we interviewed via carrier pigeon from his home, a dark and cold cave that smells of urine and feces.

Grace DaSilva-Hill, may the peaceful spirit of the albino dolphins carry you and your honorable cause to it’s final destination, for world peace is truly a great human problem that you have attempted to solve.

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Jerry Blacksheep a resident of New Zealand says he was going about his business, sheering his sheep when he noticed something odd in the sky.It was something Jerry had seen many times before. Always around the same time of year.

A streak of misty looking translucent haze like material.

Jerry pulled out his phone and took the picture you see above. After uploading the image to his computer Jerry was able to zoom in and low and behold the culprit materialized before his eyes.

It was Santa Claus himself.

We interviewed Jerry after his remarkable image hit news headlines recently, he had this to say:

“This shit has been going on for far too long. My whole family has been affected by this. The kids can’t sleep at night, the dog barks constantly and the sheep keep appearing wearing colourful woollen jumpers! It’s not even cold down here at Christmas time!”

When asked how he caught the culprit Jerry explained:

“I was out sheering the sheep next to the back shed when I noticed the streak across the sky so I grabbed my phone and here we are. I got the bastard and he needs to be brought to justice.”

NZ police chief Bob Burgundy says an investigation is under way with new evidence coming in from all over the planet.

“We have some pretty hot leads being telephoned into our Auckland offices from our colleagues all over the world. One investigator sent us images of stuffed teddy bears falling from the skies in Geneva and another in the UK pieced back broken glass that reportedly fell from the skies over Devonshire, once they put it back together the words read ‘Worlds Biggest Pint’ it’s pretty scary stuff and we just want to keep our residents safe from whatever is falling out of Santa’s sleigh or whatever is spewing out of it”.

Environmental pollution experts where quick on the scene to investigate with one of them revealing the materials could be the leading cause of cardiovascular disease.

“We’re not 100% entirely sure what the chemtrails are made of, it could be a new mix of magic dust that the elves have gotten wrong or it could be something completely sinister, we really have no idea at this stage but your readers can rest assured we are working tirelessly with our colleagues to figure it out before someone gets seriously ill”

Another question being asked by concerned locals: what is Santa doing? U.S. Air Marshall turned whistle blower says government agencies have been tracking Santa’s movements over the skies since the 50’s and explains that this is fairly normal behavior.

“Santa is usually testing new additions to his sleigh with a full load of weight before the Christmas rush begins.”

The post Santa Claus Caught Spraying Deadly Chemtrails appeared first on The Lizard People.

Unless you’ve been living in a cave on Mars you will have heard of the Ice Bucket Challenge. Of course, THEY insist that it is supposed to be a fun way to raise money for good causes. However, to those of us in the know, it is obviously an exercise in mass brainwashing on a scale never before seen.

And from the beginning, certain members of the rich and famous were taking part. Bill Gates’ homemade contraption was one of the reasons the whole thing went viral so quickly, and several other alleged Illuminati have also allowed themselves to be iced. But why? The Challenge is often humiliating and these people already have all the publicity they need, so why are ‘the great and the good’ getting involved?

Many conspiracy theorists have been “just asking questions”, as they do. F**k knows who they’ve been asking, though, as their possibilities range from Satanic rituals to the cleansing of the American population in preparation for mass sacrifice. But what if the real explanation isn’t quite as much fun as all that? What if, as some seem to believe, the Illuminati have cracked one of history’s most sought after secrets?

The secret of Alchemy.

A quick Wiki search will tell you that alchemists spent their lives trying to turn base metals into gold. They were also heavily involved in aqua vitae, the ‘water of life’, which was used for baptisms.

Water. Gold.

Water…into gold?

Could it be possible that the Illuminati managed to combine two alchemical pursuits and have discovered a way to turn water into gold? Think about it. Many of these celebrities are high up in so-called charitable organisations. They take the raw material, some water, chant a few words and then douse themselves. Next, susceptible sheeple across the globe are doing the same thing without really knowing why. Before long, enough water to drench half of Africa has been poured into the ground.

And every time the water falls, green gold is created in a charity’s account.

After that the real magic occurs. Only a fraction of that green gold actually helps people. The rest is ‘disappeared’ into occult practises such as advertising and lobbying, as well as enriching the executives who are begging for money in the first place. And, just like magicians throughout the ages, they’re doing it under our very noses while daring us to spot where they’re hiding the Ace.

The post The True Secret of the Ice Bucket Challenge Revealed appeared first on The Lizard People.

Cancer sucks and so does BIG Pharma.

Here is a list of the TOP 10 methods that won’t cure your cancer that BIG Pharma doesn’t want you to know about.

Instead they continue to let you try these stupid and ridiculous methods, spending your limited time and money while they search for a cure instead.

#1 Prayer

Any prayer of any sort is just a complete waste of time.

It’s f*cking stupid!

Group prayer, prayer in the morning, prayer at night, crying while praying, Christian prayer, Islamic prayer. It just doesn’t work because cancer doesn’t have ears and it’s a bastard.

The same goes for chanting or writing letters to Cancer Santa.

Thanks for the heads up BIG Pharma… not!

#2 Baking Soda

Baking Soda is great for baking your granny’s ultimate heart attack inducing cake but thats all.

Online alternative health pundits have been exclaiming for years that the cure to cancer is in your pantry cupboard right next to the vanilla essence. Unfortunately the medicine companies and cancer research institutes just let you go right along and devour spoonfuls of the stuff without telling you its simply just a great way to bake! Scum!

#3 Snake Oil

They have let you scour the Internet for “snake oil” for decades, without once ever officially telling you that “Snake Oil categorically will not cure your cancer, in fact it doesn’t even exist”.

Not only that, but it’s actually extremely hard to buy, so all you end up doing is searching and searching while they sit in their lab coats staring down the barrell of a microscope.

#4 Not Wearing Deodorant

Not wearing deodorant is disgusting.

But all big pharma will have you do is get embarrassed on public transport by way of not telling you to wear deodorant when they know the truth, they know deodorant doesn’t cause cancer.

#5 Email Forwarding

We have all done it.

And they just sat back and let us do it.

Completely wasting our time… and our bandwidth.

You get a sad and crappy email about some kid whos got cancer, all you have to do is forward it to 7 friends and the kids cancer will be cured right? WRONG!

It never happens, miracles never work on email. Some sicko just decided it would be nice to do that and little of well wishing you just happened to want to believe it, all the while the pharmaceutical companies are sending emails to one another about potential new cures.

#6 Smoking Pot

Lets be honest, there is probably real tangible and medically backed serious research going on right now into the effects of weed on cancer, but smoking it and getting blazed has absolutely nothing to do with that. Sure it might make you hungry so you put some weight on, and it might ease the pain, but smoking just gets you high.

So while you sit there high as a kite, you still have cancer because the real cancer cure likely needs to be extracted by some sort of quantum mechanics and injected into the tumour via constant and persistent special dose, they know this and it makes us sick, just sitting there letting you get high and feel awesome. Pathetic.

#7 Magnets

Magnets are great, for fridges.

Strapping them to your body and expecting them to suck the cancer our is as ridiculous as strapping them to your ass and expecting antigravity to take effect.

Instead of sending you a memo saying “No Jerry, don’t be a dumbass and buy magnets, you should come back for your blood tests instead…” they just continue working their asses off and ignoring you, treating you like the idiot you really are…and they are supposed to be medical professionals, what a joke!

#8 Joining A Cult

Joining scientology might make you look crazy to your friends, but it certainly won’t cure your cancer.

Why they don’t spend any of the money they get from research grants or from the millions in donations they receive annually to run a few radio and TV ads warning you this wont work is beyond belief.

So much money for ads, so little spent.

#9 Magic Water

Magic Water, it comes in many different guises and under many different names.

Silver Colloidal Water, Holy Water, Oxygenated Water, Sugar Water, Salt Water, Magnetic Water, Ionised Water… it’s all just water and water tastes great but it doesn’t kill cancer and they know it.

You sit there guzzling it and pouring it all over your body like the stupid idiot you are and they, the doctors, they just drink plain old tap water… in a non fancy, cheap and reliable glass never even thinking to let you have some of their normal water.

#10 Crystals

New age hippies love them, teenage girls wear them and psychics slatter their tables with them.

They come in all shapes and sizes and are absolutely positively not going to cure any cancer of any sort in any lifetime and thats EXACTLY what BIG Pharma knows… Oh my God, they would help you save soooo much money if they would just not hide this from you.

The post Top 10 Methods for Not Curing Cancer Hidden by BIG Pharma appeared first on The Lizard People.