Wizards (not the cool kind) disguised as homeopaths have recently declared the world as healed.

Methods used? Leuticum (Or Syph) potion of course. Made from the dust of pixie wings and unicorn horns flushed straight down the toilet bowel. Alternatively, sprinkled into the ocean.

TLP was first alerted to this historical global event by Quackometer. A website dedicated to the monotonous task of metering the decibel rating of duck quacks. Or something like that.

See for yourselves the global request and instructions for healing below:

Courtesy of Quackometer.net

A Homeopathic expert we found on Facebook who calls himself Harold The Healer tells TLP he thinks Grace DaSilva-Hill used incorrect amounts of unicorn horns to pixie wing dust because as Harry put it ‘the world is still fucked-up, man’.

TLP investigative reporters have spoken with several key experts on the topic of world peace and they appear to concur with Mr. Healers comments.

“Just look at Ferguson Missouri, Ukraine and death squads like ISIS. Until we can defeat things like war, starvation and Kim Jong-un’s fasination with Nuclear Weapons and African American Basket Ballers, world peace shall not be proclaimed” said an old Nepalese sage we interviewed via carrier pigeon from his home, a dark and cold cave that smells of urine and feces.

Grace DaSilva-Hill, may the peaceful spirit of the albino dolphins carry you and your honorable cause to it’s final destination, for world peace is truly a great human problem that you have attempted to solve.

The post Homeopaths Heal World With Magical Toilet Potion appeared first on The Lizard People.

No, this is not the title of a never before seen episode of the Twilight Zone nor is it an extra chapter in H.G. Wells Time Machine.

This is real. And it is hilarious. Or disturbing. Depends on how you look at it. Kind of like watching an episode of Adventure Time completely baked off your ass.

But wait there’s more. In case you thought a ‘time traveler’ running for president is about as sparkly as it gets, you would be wrong. Not only is the presidential candidate a ‘time traveler’ he also claims to have teleported to Mars and is an Indigo child with special abilities including using his mind to levitate small objects.

Incredibly by day the super hero time traveler is a lawyer named Andrew Basiago.

Oh, Geez Louise that sucks. Now we definitely can’t trust him even though we absolutely want to! How freaking awesome would it be having this crazy cat as U.S. President! It sure beats the current semi-cool black President who plays basket ball by an awesomeness factor of three thousand percent.

Nevertheless, let’s assume Mr. Presidential Candidate is telling the truth. Realistically as a lawyer he won’t have access to anything other than a rankly old coffee machine or a new iPhone, let alone the time machine he used to surf space time with.

How then will he prove his time travel adventures?

With a photograph. That’s how!

Andy claims to have been part of a U.S. Government program when he was a kid and was sent to Mars, Lincoln’s Gettysburg speech (image attached below), one million years into the past and 2045.

Young time traveler Andrew Basiago photobombing Gettysburg

Andy Basiago published a paper in 2008 titled The Discovery of Life on Mars where he declares:

Evidence that the Red Planet harbors life and has for eons was discovered by the author by examining NASA photograph PIA10214, a westward view of the West Valley of the Columbia Basin in the Gusev Crater that was taken by the Mars Exploration Rover Spirit in November 2007 and beamed back to the Earth.

Below is one of the many images contained in Basiago’s paper where he explains that the image reveals a humanoid, a dinosaur, snakes and an entity with a cobra-like torso.

Basiago’s Indigo child super powers allow him to see what others cannot. All we see is rocks.

On Mars, humanoids and plesiosaurs extinct on Earth co-exist (left), as snakes slither across the ground and a humanoid confronts an odd entity with a cobra-like torso (right). The Martians have adorned the surface above their subterranean dwellings with relics. Is this an ecosystem teeming with life or a surreal sculpture garden? Probably, it is both.

Why would Andy need to write a paper arguing for life on Mars using images NASA took if he’s actually been to Mars? Who knows, maybe the cobra-like rock people were too afraid to show themselves in front of Andy and his time travelling mob of dweebs.

Oddly Andy says he will not win the 2016 presidential election (this was explained to him by Government agents when he and Barack Obama used to hang out and time travel). Basiago says he will run again in 2020 and will definitely win that one.

Andy, mate we’d love to have a beer with you, you are one seriously rad dude.

The post ‘Time Traveler’ Running for President in 2016 appeared first on The Lizard People.

#1 Kiai Master vs MMA Fighter

This is a video of a Kiai martial arts master that agreed to a $5,000 dollar fight bet. His opponent? A Mixed Martial Artist. Rules? Winner takes all. The Kiai Master is a force to be reckoned with. He uses magical powers to thrust and throw his opponents around the Dojo with the simple flicker of his fingers and of course, mystical mind powers. We’ll let you see what happens for yourself.

#2 Swedish Hippy Woman Attempts to Create Psychic Force Field

Ever wondered if Psychic Energy and Force Fields are just for mutants and super heroes? This video will answer that question. Watch as this practitioner of a martial art called Yellow Bamboo (claims to teach it’s students how to fight using psychic energy fields) attempts to stop a man running directly at her.

#3 Another Yellow Bamboo Energy Defense Video

As if the first Yellow Bamboo video of that rather ignorant hippy woman getting slammed to the ground wasn’t enough. In this video an Australian man takes on not one, but two Yellow Bamboo energy fighters! Watch the video to see if he escapes alive.

#4 No Touch KO Karate Master Tries His Superhuman Powers on a Non-Believer

Watch as world famous karate master George Dillman KO’s his own karate students of varying skill degrees and then as if in some sort of street fighting video game from the 80’s one of his proteges takes on the evil black clad chemist boss at the end!

#5 Tai Chi Practitioner Has Too Much Energy

Instead of lying to you…we’ll just be upfront. We have no idea what the fuck happens in this video.

#6 Empty Force Master Takes on Sceptics after Battling His Own Students

Don’t know what empty force is? Well maybe you should watch and learn the unbelievable powers that empty force can offer the world of martial arts!

#7 Shaolin Gung Fu Expert Attempts James Randi Million Dollar Challenge

We saved one of the best videos for last. In this video a self proclaimed Gung Fu (is that supposed to be Kung Fu? We will never know) expert attempts the James Randi million dollar challenge. He came prepared donning what looks like an authentic Gung Fu haircut and special pajamas. But is he the real deal? Watch and find out!

The post Here Are 7 Videos That Prove Martial Arts Psychic Chi Energy Is a Load of Bollocks! appeared first on The Lizard People.

Chris Bovey pissed off a lot of conspiracy theorists when he faked chemtrails, lol.

So as the story goes Chris was on a flight from Buenos Aires, Argentina when his pilot decided to make an emergency landing in Sao Paulo and dumped excess fuel to lighten the load.

Chris being the bright spark that he is decided to film it then upload the footage to youtube insisting that it could have been chemtrails.

Proceeding which, truthers and tards alike all began to revel in his apparent catching of the powers that be. It all got real interesting after Chris added fuel to the fire by posting on Facebook that he had been detained by British authorities at Heathrow airport.

Chris eventually came clean on Volcania Radio hosted by Richie Allen a good buddy of Reptilian bedtime story Peddling David Icke. It was awkward and bizarre.

You can read the full VICE write up and interview with Chris HERE.

Below is the video that duped conspiratards.

And here is the radio show where Chris comes clean to Richie Allan

The post This Guy Faked Chemtrails And Conspiratards Believed Him appeared first on The Lizard People.

…or maybe a better way to put it would be to say watch what doesn’t happen.

Homeopathy for those that don’t know is a way for people to sell magical water and sugar pills to gullible idiots without the 5-0 showing up and busting their ass.

The magical water and sugar pills can apparently cure everything from cancer, tourette’s and even anal warts.

It was invented by a guy called Samuel Hahnemann who also at the time thought that all known diseases are caused by coffee. He later changed his tune.

Homepathic remedies are made by taking herbs and minerals (basically dirt and parsley), adding water, shaking, removing herbs, adding more water, shaking and voila!

Based on this profound knowledge of science and medicine TLP has decided that we will soon be releasing a Homepathic version of Cocaine.

That’s right TLP will be entering the domain previously ruled over by street hustlers and big city drug lords and taking them on with our own concoction that will only cost the coke fiend 72 cents!

The theory is that if we place a $20 note in a bath tub of water, let it sit for 10 minutes the residue of Cocaine and no doubt stripper ass sweat previously left on the note by the fine people of our city will leech into the water as a diluted amount which we will then bottle, shake vigorously and then on sell to junkies and young upstart lawyers that cannot afford regularly priced Cocaine.

The post Science Babe Swallows 50 Homeopathic Sleeping Pills appeared first on The Lizard People.

Sure, you probably heard a lot about Indigo children. You know, those kids who were quiet, sensitive, and generally bucked the idea of society had planned for us? Surrounded by indigo aura, they were all the rage…last decade. We’ve found a new, all the more interesting type of child to get excited about (not in that way, pervert).

Yes, the Crystal Child-which is essentially the indigo child, part two- offer us a wealth of new opportunities that the lowly indigo children just didn’t. For one, they’re going to take humanity to it’s next level, which is going to be neat. While they share some superficial traits with the indigo kids, they are not individuals but simply one great consciousness that views the entirety of humanity as one and will prove to be a dramatic force for world peace in the decades to follow. Which is all dandy.

But some of us have been trying to work out why the crystal children have taken over so unequivocally and obviously from their counterparts. How did they develop the ability to communicate as one consciousness? Where did they learn the skills that are primed to help every person in the world reveal an inner power sense of divinity? Well, we think we’ve settled on the answer: twitter.

When the facts are put together, the answer is obvious. Crystal children were estimated to have been born between 1995-2000, with some born further into the twenty-first century. Everyone we’re aware of on twitter is young, so surely this telepathic, communicative field they share has simply manifested itself into a technological form befitting their generational interests? There really seems to be no question that the rise of twitter is tied, in some way, to the birth and growth of the crystal children.

Consider this, too- one of the twenty-three identifying features of a crystal child is it’s large, intense eyes that will fix you with a haunting stare. Does that not sound like every twitter addict you’ve ever known? Picture the expression of your nephew when you dragged his attention away from his phone for a moment- was that not a haunting stare? On a similar token, they are described as being withdrawn, and occasionally uncommunicative-once again, a suspiciously perfect description of the average twitter user. You might want to call all of this a coincidence- but that’s where you’d be wrong.

The post Crystal Children Linked to Twitter appeared first on The Lizard People.

1) Raw breast milk laws. Those bastards are trying to stop you and your babies from sucking on the bare lactating breasts of beautiful mortal females and gorging yourself on the sweet nutritious God given nectar.

2) Government sponsored MIND CONTROL. Yes, these pricks really wants to monitor and control everyone, anyone.

Lucky for you, we’re all over mind control. See below for a free public safety announcement.

This is a unique device that anyone can DIY using electrical conducting material as simple as a piece of foil.

There are six easy steps to follow:

1) Grab a 5 foot sheet of tin foil (preferably heavy duty).

2) Fold 4 times to produce a 1 foot square (shiney side up obviously).

3) Cut a straight line from one corner of the square to the center.

4) Make a cone shape by bending from one side of the cut under the other.

5) Place cone on your head and squash the top and sides so that it fits your head nicely (the tighter the better). Make sure you make a point on the top to increase effectiveness!

6) To ensure that you are protected we recommend securing your Tin Foil Hat ™ by liberally applying holdhouse sticky tape or duct tape.

Now guess what?

Your brainwaves are now safe from “The Man”!

So please help the human race by sharing this with the people you care about (or not…)

The post Simple DIY Device To Protect Yourself From ‘The Man’ appeared first on The Lizard People.

It’s no secret that soft drink manufacturers spend huge sums of money marketing their diet sodas. Just about every advert features attractive and, above all, skinny females fawning over a young guy with a six pack and a face most normal guys want to punch. The not-so-thinly veiled implication is that these allegedly low calorie drinks can help you get thinner.

But what if Diet Cola actually has the opposite effect? What if something in this foul-tasting, way-too-fizzy brown liquid makes you fat instead of thin. And what if it’s now far too late to do anything about it?

We’ve uncovered research that could possibly point to that exact, irrefutable conclusion. In his scientific study, entitled “The Obesity Timebomb – Big Is Not Necessarily Beautiful, So Put Down The Fork”, scientist Percy Percival has stumbled across shocking evidence that he claims will lob a Mentos mint into the Diet Cola industry.

“The most striking aspect of our week-long research,” he wrote on Facebook, “was that every single one of the gravitationally-challenged subjects ordered a Diet Cola with their meal. No matter which fast food establishment they were visiting, no matter whether the food was fried, deep fried or donut, the drink order was always the same.”

Not surprisingly, Percival has been challenged over his findings. Christ, even we challenged him. Yet he remains unmoved by such criticism.

“Of course there are those who would deny such weight change is happening,” he told readers of his WordPress blog. “There are sceptics who believe that the food itself is the problem, and that salad dodgers only order a zero calorie product because it makes them feel less guilty about eating like pigs. Well, I say you only have to look at the data to see that these people are clearly insane. Our study subjects ate eight times per day on average, drinking Diet Cola with every single meal. And look at them, they’re freaking huge! What more proof do you need? Next thing, these naysayers will be telling me it’s Starbucks cake that makes people fat, not the skinny latte.”

However, even if Percival’s research is proven to be correct, what are the chances that the industry will make things right? Will the offending ingredients be removed, thereby sparing millions in need of a foot amputation the shame of being taken to hospital in an armoured truck? No chance. One company tried changing a bestselling formula before, remember, and it nearly bankrupted them. Nope, you can be sure there isn’t going to be a New Diet Cola in the near future.

Or should that be ‘fat’ure?

The post Could Diet Drinks Actually Be Causing Obesity? appeared first on The Lizard People.

It has long been suspected that mankind had a hand in creating the AIDS epidemic. Some say it was engineered by the CIA to wipe out the world’s homosexuals and African Americans, others that it is actually caused by the very drugs that are supposed to treat the disease.

And now, as if one attempt to wipe out half the human race wasn’t enough, it is very possible that the Ebola virus was not started by fruit bats at all. In fact, new information suggests that it was dingbats in a fast food laboratory. According to a technician at the top secret Columbus University of Nutritional Technology, scientists were trying to reverse engineer the delicious Taco Bell burrito when something went horribly wrong.

“We were trying to recreate that exquisite taste and texture under strict laboratory conditions,” said Dwight Lefou, currently of no fixed abode. “We knew that there could be risk involved and I swear we took all possible precautions. We thought we’d nailed it, but instead we seem to have unleashed hell on earth.”

For obvious reasons, the whistleblower has been met with cries of derision from the scientific community, not least because there’s no proof the U.N.T actually exists. He has been dismissed by many as an unstable alcoholic with an axe to grind which, ironically, was exactly the reason quoted by a previous employer for firing him. However, he remains resolute in his belief that his team accidentally created the Doomsday Virus in their quest for the ultimate snack treat.

“Just think about it,” he frequently tells anyone who will listen. “There are just too many similarities for it to be coincidence. Both Ebola and Burrito come from exotic locations and no one is sure which animals are involved. They both cause high temperature, severe stomach cramps and, in many cases, bleeding from the anus.

“There’s no known cure. In both cases it’s a matter of consuming lots of liquids and hoping for the worst to pass quickly. If you’re lucky there isn’t too much long term damage. And finally, it is when the victim is at the height of their suffering that they are most dangerous to those closest to them. Admittedly, the mortality rate for Ebola is 50-90%, so that makes it a little more fatal than Taco Bell, but the signs are all there.”

When asked the obvious question as to how the virus crossed the considerable distance between Africa and his American lab, Lefou simply took a swig from a brown paper bag, mumbling something about an African vacation taken by one of his superiors who had “a thing for monkeys”.

A dangerous drunk? Or a maverick scientist trying to atone for bringing the human race to the brink of extermination? You decide…

The post Ebola Was Fast Food Research Accident appeared first on The Lizard People.

Wikipedia as we all know is a CIA and NSA led global misinformation operation, so instead of giving you misleading information from the Wikipedia article on Ebola, we as always are here to give you the true facts on what Ebola really is and what it’s about to do to Planet Earth and it’s inhabitants.

What is Ebola?

No one really knows what Ebola is.

Not even scientists.

Some say it’s ‘an infectious and generally fatal disease marked by fever and severe internal bleeding, spread through contact with infected body fluids by a filovirus ( Ebola virus ), whose normal host species is unknown.’ but that’s just medical mumbo-jumbo written in such a way to create mass global confusion.

Most truthers have come to know that Ebola is a deadly zombie virus created by evil bio scientists working for the World Health Organization in the 1970’s. It was created as a bioweapon against humanity itself and the host species that some say is “unknown” is in fact zombie blood being harvested from thousands of infected zombies located in a complex underground zombie prison base.

Who you should trust?

Trust no one. Not even us.

Don’t trust “health experts” especially doctors.

Never trust the media, they have proven that in times like these they play second fiddle to their reptilian overlords.

Trust your own instincts.

If you think armageddon is coming by way of a zombie apocalypse disguised as an “Ebola outbreak” and your instincts tell you to start digging a hideout hole for you and your family in your back yard with supreme DIY prowess then obviously, do so. Even if all local intel sources appear to tell the opposite story, and especially if they call you ‘crazy.’

What you should do?

Prepare yourself.

The elite have been preparing for thousands of years.

Recently they have been sending each other coded smoke signals hidden right in front of our eyes by way of programs such as The Walking Dead and many other recent apocalyptic zombie films.

They do this to signal the start of the end to one another. Kind of like a secret handshake and *wink* done over vast distances.

You should take heed from the elite and start storing flashlights, batteries, zombie killing weapons, canned food and of course medicine.

The post EBOLA: The End of World Virus Is Here! appeared first on The Lizard People.